Forwarded E-Mail: Health Advice

This email gave me a much-needed laugh on a Monday morning, hence this post:

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong
life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and
that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise. Everything
wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not
make you live longer; that’s like saying you can
extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want
to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and
vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a
cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables.
So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism
of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?
Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass
(green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you
100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable
products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is
distilled wine, that means they take the water out of
the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness
that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your
ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your
ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in
a regular exercise program?

A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy
is: No Pain…Good !

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!!! … Foods are fried these
days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in
it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little
soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets
bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a
bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another
vegetable!!! It’s the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales
to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! ‘Round’ is a shape!

Blogger’s Disclaimer: As mentioned in the post title, this is a forwarded e-mail joke and is meant to entertain. I am not a doctor – but if you DO decide to take this ‘advice’ literally, then please give me a call for I have a great business opportunity idea that I’d like to discuss with you… all it’ll cost you is a couple of thousand bucks and you’ll be a gazillionaire!!