How to be a billionaire in about 12 steps

Easy to follow steps, no?

  1. Borrow enormous amounts of money from gullible moneylenders. For best results, introduce yourself as ‘Lord So-and-so’ and use your fancy word-processing skillz to conjure up fake bank statements with millions of dollars displayed in your account.
  2. Do not repay above moneylenders.
  3. Start a business (any business). Hire a half-dozen women and work them like slaves.
  4. Do not pay salaries of above employees. Marry one, if you have to, but don’t pay them.
  5. Do not spend lots of money on houses or palaces etc. Rent a decent condo and make an agreement with the landlord to pay him at the end of the month.
  6. Do not pay landlord.
  7. Hire a security company to provide you with a whole bunch of bored-looking guards to stand outside your apartment. Don’t invite them in for drinks.
  8. Do not pay… you get the idea.
  9. Don’t get haircuts. Barbers are charging more and more money these days..
  10. Buy anything you want – flowers, computers, furniture, locks and keys, office premises, etc. Just remember to pay with forged checks.
  11. Call a press conference to proclaim yourself a billionaire. Don’t shoot too high with estimates of your wealth – everybody knows you’re not the richest man in the world. Try for third-richest – how many people know who that is anyway?
  12. Oh, and if you’re smart, right about now you’d be getting lots of heat in the press. Take whatever you can, and get the hell out of the country. Remember, if there’s one thing we can be sure of in this world, it’s that there’s always a sucker somewhere.

And that’s all I’ll ever say about that.


7 thoughts on “How to be a billionaire in about 12 steps”

  1. Do not repay moneylenders?!

    We must be feeling extremely lucky today. 😛

    You forgot step 13 Bro: Move to the UK and offer to invest in a football club. Someone actually did that too. Except that he sent his son to deal with the press.

  2. This is Lord Simon. I am a billionaire from Tunguska. I have USD$435million in the Bank of Aruba. I have one of their free pens to prove it… I am also the Sith Apprentice. Bwahahahahaa….

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