I want to be a Sith Lord. Seriously.
I mean, what’s the big deal about being a Jedi? You learn the ability to harness the power of the Force, but for what purpose? There are so much restrictions to using the Force, that you might as well not be a Jedi in the first place.
And as a Jedi, all you get to wear is a stupid, dull, monk-like cloak. And you can’t fall in love. Or pretend to fall in love so you can get into a girl’s pants.
Can you blame Anakin for joining the Dark Side after seeing Natalie Portman? I’m half surprised this dude didn’t pledge his allegiance to the Sith on the spot after spotting Ms Portman in London.
Plus there’re the cool perks of being a Sith. Yellow contact lenses (bet it would make the traffic cops think twice before writing you a summons, eh?), a RED lightsaber (this is the only TRUE and PROPER color for a civilised weapon of great power), ability to project lightning bolts from your fingers, ability to withstand lightning bolts being redirected to your face (although the side-effect of this is that you end up looking like a humanoid version of Yoda), and also you get to wear, if you like, black suits and matching helmets with automatic heavy-breathing synthesizers!
Having decided to pledge my soul to the Sith, I figured that my first act would be to study the history of the Sith. In case I was ever tested for, like, names and dates and stuff.
This Wikipedia entry on the Sith is as good a primer as any. Some interesting stuff here, e.g. did you know there was something called a Sith code?
Peace is a lie, there is only passion.
Through passion, I gain strength.
Through strength, I gain power.
Through power, I gain victory.
Through victory, my chains are broken.
The Force shall free me.
I’ll have to memorise that.
Of course, one of the key things about the Sith is that they have this tradition of having one Sith master and one Sith apprentice.
“Always two there are, no more, no less: a master and an apprentice.” — Yoda
This tradition was begun by Darth Bane, so as to ensure that the many Sith Wars that destroyed much of the Sith order was a thing of the past.
So for me to become a Sith lord, I need to find an existing Sith master to be his/her apprentice. I’ve heard of the power of this Sith lord, but I’ve been led to believe that he already has an apprentice. Plus there is some conflicting information that says that another apprentice is being lined up… If that’s the case, then there are only a limited set of options available to me:
- Eliminate him (and him too) and take over the vacant apprentice spot.
- Eliminate the Sith lord and become his apprentice‘s apprentice. Oh, and eliminate him too.
- Eliminate them all and automatically assume the mantle of Sith lord and begin scouring the market for a hot, young, nubile, female apprentice.
- Convince a Jedi master to embrace the Dark side (how else to remove Glazer from United?) and then become her apprentice
- Start my own Sith order and accept many apprentices. 50% discount on entry fees for applications made before 31st June, or if you’re a hot, young, nubile female.
I’ve submitted my application to the Sith lord, and am currently awaiting a favourable response. In the meantime, I’ll have to make travel arrangements to Sheffield and Madrid and possibly eliminate the competition.
OK. Stepping away from my quest to become a Sith and all, there’s something else that I’ve meaning to do for donkey’s years but never quite got around to it until today.
A long, long time ago, when I was just a little rascal, I saw a movie about a massive traffic jam in an American city, and how one hero managed to sort out all the mess in the end. What I loved about the movie was the depiction of the everyday Joes and Janes who get caught up in the jam and how they interacted with one another, how they faced their predicament, and how they adapted and even embraced the circumstances.
We had taped the movie (back when people used this little thing called a VHS tape cassette – see, they’d load it into this device called a vid… never mind), but for some reason we didn’t record the opening credits. Not only that, we never labelled the video tape with the film’s title.
I saw that numerous times while growing up, and only stopped when the film strips in the video cassette got covered with fungus.
Yet, till today, I had no idea what the movie’s title was.
It’s one thing looking for a movie whose title you don’t know. It’s another when you don’t know any of the actors names either.
So there I was wracking my brains trying to remember any familiar faces from the movie, when i finally remembered Mr Heckles!!
Remember him? The kooky character living in the apartment below Monica and Rachel in ‘Friends‘? The guy who was always complaining about the noise from upstairs? The guy who kidnapped Ross’ monkey in one episode? The guy who left his stuff to the girls after he died??
Once I remembered that the guy who played Mr Heckles had a role in that movie as rock guitarist, it was easy to retrace the steps by following his career path until I came to this movie title: Gridlock (1980).
Now all I need to do is to either find this title in a store somewhere (unlikely, I have to say) or pray pray pray that our local TV stations would eventually screen this movie. After all, it’s a hundred times better than the usual crap they serve up…