Radio News Segments in 2020

For the busy person on the go nowadays, their first exposure to the daily local and global news happenings is, more often than not, via the radio.

I’ve gotten used to the quick and concise news bulletins on the radio stations nowadays, that I don’t even bother anymore checking up on the various online news websites – at least not so early in the morning. (Still need to check up on breaking news in the evening before going home, of course..)

But in recent times, I’ve become a little annoyed at the increasing commercialism of these segments. Every section of the news reports is preceded and followed by a quick promotion of some product (mostly a telco prepaid plan).

And it’s only getting worse.

At this rate, we’ll be listening to news reports like this a few years down the line:

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“A good Tweety Cereal morning to all listeners, thank you for tuning in. The time, brought to you by SwissTech – a life driven by precision is a life worth living – is 9 am.

This is the 22.5 FM morning news bulletin, brought to you by Niagra – gets you up and pumping in no time.

I’m Richard Weathermoore-Karlsten-Ford III.

(Voiceover: Newsreader is wearing a dark blue Armani suit, with a striped Versace necktie and Clarks men’s shoes. For a stylish look at the workplace, visit OfficeWear.com).

In today’s news, we have a deadly shooting in Almunistania, the Kingdom of America announces yet another acquisition, Chelsea FC is declared bankrupt, and much more – all brought to you by CelDigAxis, the premier Malaysian telecommunications company – We Own Your Privacy.

But first the headlines – thanks to Wrink-Away, the first proven bio-genetically enhanced wrinkle remover – Be Old, Look Young, Feel Great.

Malaysia will invest in the newly-explored regions of Planet Mars-USA, said the Minister of Spatial Economy, Datuk I.M. Geelah. Datuk Geelah says a special representative of the Ministry is being sent to Mars-USA to meet with the Lord High Supreme King of American-Martians, His Brilliant And Wicked Excellency Abraham Lincoln-Washington Bush.

This will be the first visit to Mars-USA by a Malaysian envoy since the 2015 invasion by the Kingdom of America.

Visit Kingdom of America this holiday season, contact Jujubi Travel And Tours for details of their Holiday Promotional Packages.

In other local news, thanks to NeeloRoot – the drink of champions – Minister of Road Works Datuk Semi Value reiterated his desire to stand for re-election in the coming party elections. After a serving a gazillion years in local politics, Datuk Value felt that the time was not right for him to step down. He said this during his weekly blood and body fluids tranfusion at the Maha Hospital in MahaJaya.

Now the world news in brief – brought to you by Crocodile Men’s Briefs – the support you need.

A beggar was shot 25 times by a motorist in Almunistania yesterday. The motorist was speeding down the highway when the beggar began crossing the road at a zebra crossing. The beggar was taking too long to cross so the motorist shot him repeatedly, and then dumped his body along with his wheelchair on the side of the road before zooming off. The Almunistanian government has apologised to the motorist for the inconvenience.

Almunistania is famed for the quality of their bat guano – which is utilised in many parts of the world as fertiliser as well as medicine. Almuni-Guano – the best shit in the world. Contact your local produce store to order.

In other global headlines, the Kingdom of America announced yesterday that it had acquired Argentina. It will become the nation’s 60th state. Due to a news blackout in the South American country, we are unable to canvass the opinions of the citizens. King Bush II revealed the acquisition during a press conference, just before leaving on a 24-month holiday to JapanAmerica.

JapanAmerica – home to the world’s biggest autocar manufacturer, Prondayota. Contact your neighbourhood car dealer to find out more about Prondayota’s latest model, the Ishibishisukinooky 1200. For the best in vehicular mobility, go driverless. Go Prondayuta.

Finally, sports news, brought to you by Liverpool FC – the only football team worth supporting.

Chelsea FC declared bankruptcy today. Chairman, President, CEO and CFO Nobby D’Bobby announced late yesterday evening that the club’s costly attempt to ‘chase the dream’ in the last decade has left them them with massive billion-dollar debts. The club’s downfall began when billionaire patron and owner Truman Abravelittlewitch decided to sell his holdings in the club to Miss Needlesome from London’s East End, who had won the lottery recently. 82-year-old Miss Needlesome, despite her prowess in knitting, has been unable to turn around the club’s fortunes. Mr D’Bobby, who was formerly Miss Needlesome’s gardener, has also announced that the club’s stadium will be auctioned off to the highest bidder. Bidding has already begun in oyVay UK – Britain’s most popular online auction site.

You can also find other great items for cheap prices on oyVay Malaysia – antique Pr0t0ns going for RM 500! Sign up at oyVay.com.my today!

That brings an end to today’s news bulletin. Have a good Danish Fish-and-Chips morning, but if you’re not, try Mat Remput Aspirin – the best solution for the worst headaches.

I’m Richard Weathermoore-Karlsten-Ford III, handing you off now to Dick and Jane for the Pepocola Morning Show. Pepocola – damn good for ya, fer shizzle ma nizzle.”

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(The characters and references in this post are pure fictional, any resemblance to real persons and products are coincidence. No, really. Don’t sue me, I’m just a lowly blogger, yo.)

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